How did I end up here?

I know I am not alone, in life in general. Dealing with ptsd, growing up in a dysfunctional family, overcoming adversity, and rising above it all. It's wild to reminisce on the hardest times you've been through and realize that you wouldn't be where you are today without having experienced all of it. Everything happens for a reason, and as long as you're taking away a lesson from an experience, I believe you will always be able to live your dream. Witnessing your life gradually becoming healthier and happier.

My dad cheated on my mom when I was 12, they tried working things out and by age 14 I was watching my dad get into his truck, leaving without saying goodbye. Just before we were all to sit down for a 'family' dinner. It's a moment that would naturally be engrained into a young person's mind. Abandonment, rejection, why doesn't he love me? All of this and so much more flooding your subconscious and you don't even realize it, you probably just feel angry, and rightfully so! Somewhere around the same time my first boyfriend came into my life who I would be with for the next seven years. 14-21 years old. These are such huge developmental years as a young person. So much happens, so much changes, and there is so much to learn about yourself and the world around you.

The beginning was bliss. Desired, Loved, Free. The feelings that I had been longing for from a male figure, he gave me that. It was fun and carefree for the first year. Time spent with our friends, doing our own thing was important to both of us. At this point I was a lost soul, finding happiness through drugs and alcohol. He saved me from that. Telling me I'm better than that, I have something to offer this world and we could find that purpose together. I am forever grateful, with this I could say he potentially saved my life.

With that being said, we were involved in our own illegal endeavors. In hindsight, my young party days seem like no big deal in comparison to our 'Bonnie and Clyde' lifestyle. My life with him was to be kept a secret, no-one could know or even have an idea of what we were involved in or else.. This added constant anxiety and stress in his everyday life. Where for me, I became good at keeping my two realities separate. It eventually took a toll on our relationship, was I REALLY able to keep it separate? Was I trustworthy? The only way I could prove my trust was to ostracize the people close to me. He would take small instances, turn them into big deals that would validate me cutting ties with people who actually cared about me. My best friends, and my family. It worked, I fell for it, I fell into the trap of manipulation and narcissism. I was still friends with my people but I was not able to be as close, no longer having that freedom to do our own thing. It was me, him, our dog, and business.

This was during the time before iPhones. Before Facebook. The internet was hardly in our daily lives. Once technology became apart of reality, we were not to be associated. We couldn't be tracked. It was a risk we were not willing to take. I wanted a Facebook, I wanted to be involved with my friends. Well, compromise was made, it was a great coverup. Look normal, blend in. That was something I was to do, but don't get too involved.

I went through high school pretty lonely. Little did anyone know, I was in a controlled, verbally and sexually abusive relationship. Being told who I can and can't be friends with. What I could or couldn't talk to them about. Turning me against my mom every chance he had. Constantly being told how fat I am. At 15 years old he took me to a local gym and signed me up and paid for a gym membership, because I needed to get in shape, I was 'squishy'. I was 15, 115 pounds... He was who I lost my virginity to at 14 years old and had aggressive intercourse with me throughout the entirety of our relationship. He was Neurotic, Obsessive Compulsive, Anxious. I was 'In love' and felt it was my duty to help level him out, calm him down, try to make him happy. If I did what he said and how he said to do it, it made my duty easier. If I didn't do things his way, he would lose his mind. Screaming at me, words of disgust and hate until I would be sobbing. I would try to leave, he wouldn't let me. He would come down from rage and coax me with telling me how much he loves me, how much I mean to him. He would then lie me down, have unprotected sex, finish inside me and whisper about our future family. I would leave these situations so confused, empty, hopeless, trapped. I had to spend my life with him. He was the best thing for me. I was already in it, I can't leave. We have a life together, we have a dog, a vision of our future, his family loved me so much, my family didn't matter.

Chaos, that was life, and I was pretty good at it. Making it seem as if I were happy to everyone around us. I graduated High School with honors, because school mattered. It mattered to him even more than me, which is ironic because he was a high school drop out. But me finishing with good grades meant college. Which meant a future for the both of us. Coming from a low income family, I was eligible for free tuition at the community college, where I would be attending full time taking classes that would allow me to graduate with a degree that would make 'our' vision possible. I was working three jobs while going to school full time, paying for everything on my own, while maintaining a toxic relationship. I was losing my mind. I had to get out of the rat race that Virginia Beach is. I didn't see my future there, and our future plan was not there. He would visit Tahoe annually to see his sister who was living in North Lake. That was the goal destination for him, but he wanted to move solo while I finished college. I was so unhappy in Virginia, I wanted to leave. I begged him to go with but he would tell me how stupid I would be to drop out of college and how it would ruin our future plans. My credits were non-transferrable and everything I had been working for would have been a waste if I were to go with him. Valid, I guess. My second semester came to a close and I failed a class, which deteriorated my GPA, which at the time mattered to me. This rocked my world. I was so unhappy in all aspects of my life, and constantly putting on a front for others to believe that I was fine. I wore thin.

One night a friend, who is my best friend to this day was at my apartment. She told me she was moving west, getting out of the rat race. Her courage to leave, lifted me up and motivated me to make my own plan. Since he didn't want me to go with him, I will go somewhere on my own. I can even use what I've been in school for to make the most of my move. I came up with a plan to go to Kauai, and work on a farm, growing food. I LOVED growing food, it was a dream set up, however it was work for trade of living. So downfall, I wouldn't be paid. But that was fine, I am doing it! I gave my jobs ample notice. Crunch time, I have two weeks to leave town and make my way west to visit my mom and sister in Colorado before taking off to Kauai. The owner of the Surf shop I worked for at the time calls me into his office. After a long meeting about why I am moving to Kauai, he offered me a management job, a home, and a car on the North Shore of Oahu. I was told to take all the time I needed with my family in Colorado and to give him a call when I was ready for them to fly me to Oahu. How could I say No?! I said YES. My boyfriend was not happy about this decision, but it felt right and I went.

18 years old, living on the North Shore of Oahu. What the hell?! It was a dreamy life, full of sunshine, rainbows, surf, and great people. I was so blessed to experience this all the while practically gaining a business degree by running a store. My boyfriend came and visited and complained of wanting to make his move to Tahoe but he couldn't without me after all. He couldn't show proof of income to get a place to live. I could, and I still loved him and wanted him to be able to make his dreams come true. So I went to Tahoe with him. I signed a lease in my name where him and our dog would live while I would be in Hawaii. We would visit each other on and off. Every time he was in Hawaii it was not a good time. He hated it there. Everytime I visited Tahoe, we would have a good time. I like it in Tahoe, it's beautiful after all.

The time came for one of us to make a move, I had been in Hawaii for 2 1/2 years and any longer would force our relationship apart. As I said before, he hated Hawaii, and I liked Tahoe so it was a no brainer for me to make the move. So I did. I flew into Southern California and we drove the coast North making our way 'home'. Everything was mostly fine, he seemed to have grown a bit in our time apart. This made me feel at ease about my decision. I mean really it's like I was already living in Tahoe the past couple years, after all my name had been on a lease that whole time! Our home, minutes walk to Lake Tahoe, perfect. Not a bad switch from North Shore. So I thought.

Four leaf clovers, leprechauns, and the color green. A day celebrated by most, but forever will make me cringe. Snowboarding all day flowing into apres. The boys were drowning themselves in Racer 5's. 20 years old, getting by with a fake I.D., I enjoyed a beer with the crew. I was tired and wanted to go home, he was wired and wanted to go out. We cruised to the next bar, where I decided to stay in the car and sleep. Waking up in the dark car to find he was still inside the bar. I went for a nice walk on the lakeside path, enjoying the stars and moonlight glistening over Lake Tahoe before deciding to retrieve him.Entering the bar I expected it to be a St. Patty's party, only to find him with 3 other folks at the bar and the bartender. While he went to the bathroom, the crowd filled me in on the nonsense he was profusely bouncing off of everyone. Handing me a beer of his choice the bartender said, "You're with him? You'll need this!". I was embarrassed. I insisted we leave when he returned. He agreed. With the full beer in hand, we left and I put the beer in the cupholder with the thought that he would be happy to drink it on the way home.

Communicating calmly with him as I drove us away, about what was being said in the bar, filled him with rage. The conversation spiraled into a manic episode, screaming unworldly evil things to me. Putting himself on a pedestal, he "is the King of Tahoe", I "am nothing", "worthless", "a slut". The words coming out of his mouth tore me apart, I was speechless, my eyes puddles, jaw dropped, I just wanted to get home. The verbal explosion continued and ended with him saying, "you don't deserve to be alive and I wish you would die!". He grabbed the steering wheel, I slammed on the brakes, screeching to a head on halt inches from an elderly ponderosa. Fight or flight switch engaged, FIGHT. My vision was red, full of fury and defense. I punched him, and got back on the road with a heavy foot. Still being screamed at, the wheel was grabbed again, this time sending the car into a snowbank and spinning out across the road, hitting a tree with the back end, and flying off the roadside to the lake shore. I came to, soaking wet, airbag in my face. I thought we were drowning. Full of panic, seized doors, I began kicking at the windows. He is still screaming at me. I am determined to get out before the car sinks. Finally breaking the backseat window, I dive out only to land on the cobblestone shore. I was so confused, I began crawling aimlessly. Dragging my body in search of help. Walking beside me unscathed, continuing to scream at me, as I cry out for help. Headlights appear, a man runs down to the shore cradling me into his arms yelling for someone to call an ambulance! My boyfriend demands him not to, that we had a friend coming to get us. The man insisted, yelling at my partner something along the lines of "shut the fuck up, I would kick your ass right now if I wasn't holding your dead girlfriend!" Am I dead? I hope I'm dead. I wish I died. A few of the dark thoughts to encompass my mind over the next few months.

Taken to one hospital, only to be rushed to the ICU of another hospital. Strapped on a backboard, covered in beer and my own blood. Verbally arrested for a DUI. Puking multiple times, watching the lights fade in and out, where am I, what happened, what's my name, why am I strapped down, what's my name, what happened, where am I? Crying in pain, cradled in a nurses lap, on the floor of a shower, she bathed my blood off me as we shared tears. The next week was spent in the ICU, my boyfriend didn't come to visit and only my best friend who was in Bali at the time knew I was there. He picked me up from the hospital once I was released. 'Why didn't you come see me?", I asked. "You totaled my car", was his reasoning. He coached me to never tell anyone what happened, and justified himself. I was suffering a TBI, easily manipulated and just wanted to sleep. A TBI, shattered plates in the base of my skull, a broken left jaw, left cheekbone and nose, lucky to be alive but mostly to be mobile and not paralyzed.

The healing months were challenging, he hardly helped me at all. Left to fill my own baths, make myself food, set my pillows properly to be able to rest, put on my own neck brace, given trouble if I didn't do my part around the house, all while dealing with his manic episodes too often to say. Medical bills stacked, unable to work, no communication with family because I couldn't tell anyone what had happened, I was alone. The next year of my life easily became the darkest time of my entire life.

As soon as I was healed enough to get a job, I did. My first job in Tahoe was full time at the local health food store, New Moon Natural Foods in Tahoe City. This is where I found my first friends. These lovely people were my escape. They made me feel happy, taught me so much about self care and good health. They told me about all the things Tahoe had to offer. I knew rock climbing, mountain biking, split boarding etc. existed before then, but my new friends would be the ones to inspire me that these things were possible to do here in our backyard! My soul was filled with desire again, to take advantage of what my backyard has to offer. But He would constantly make me believe I was unable to do these things because of my head injury, and I would obey that. We would go for drives and I would point out peaks I would like to go to the top of, or waterfalls I would like to see up close rather than from the roadside, and I would be assured there was no way to even get to those places. Again, I would unquestionably believe him.

The year after the accident was coming to an end and I was the most unhappy I had ever been in my life. At my breaking point, mentally ruled by him, an eating disorder and unknowingly suffering from Post Concussion Syndrome. My New Moon family helped me find the strength to leave him. It was long overdue. And let me tell you, I used that strength, dumped him and went to the waterfall I had seen from the roadside. A pivotal breakthrough! There was a stream that ran under the road, this had to come from a body of water that the waterfall had to flow into, I thought to myself. Starting at the road where the stream crossed under, I bushwhacked my way to the the lake which the waterfall cascades into. Scrambling up the granite wall that the falls rush over, about to top out I am bursting with excitement, confidence and power! Only to find a small crowd of strangers peering over the waterfalls edge. "Where did you come from?", a friendly couple asked me. After I explained, I asked, "where did you guys come from?". They responded with an explanation of the trail and trailhead. A trailhead? You mean there was a trail to bring me here all along?! My brain exploded with the realization of the lies, manipulation, and brainwashing that made up my 'relationship' with him. "I am such an idiot", I though to myself. How could I have just believed someones word rather than ever looking for myself. Using the technology we have this day in age to simply 'google' trails! It literally never crossed my mind. This day was Life Changing. As I gazed out over Cascade Falls down to Cascade Lake and over to Lake Tahoe, I realized that I am powerful and I can do whatever I put my mind to. I wanted to learn the resources I had been limiting myself of in effort of keeping our lives off the radar. Newfound drive and determination to make goals and accomplish them, thank you ex-boyfriend.

An abbreviation of sorts that answers the question, "How did I end up here?" A relationship that I once thought saved my life, to attempting to take my life. To this day I am learning how to overcome the trauma that comes along with such toxic relationship. The mountains; however, constantly speak to me and coach me on humility, strength, perseverance, challenge, oneness, simplicity, pure happiness and so much more. All in all, I am grateful for the painful experiences that brought me to where I am today.